Learn to address your needs without being needy
When two people come together, there is a need that is fulfilled conjointly. Be it a family, friends, partners or Co workers, they agree to support each other in fulfilling their own needs or conjoint purpose. Everyone is self centered in this world. Selflessness is rare quality.
anyeṣv artha-kṛtā maitrī
yāvad-artha-viḍambanam
pumbhiḥ strīṣu kṛtā yadvat
sumanaḥsv iva ṣaṭpadaiḥ (Srimad Bhagavatam 10.47.6)
Krtartha : that which has served its purpose (objective)
is being shuffled here in gopīs mad talks. They do have hidden meaning. The verse says, everyone comes together in this mortal world as friends, family, community, nation etc with their own purpose, as long as their purpose is served they stay together otherwise they break up the bonding. Harmony exists only when their needs are addressed.
In the same way, marriage is also function of an enabled society, to cater their needs.
Why the concept of marriage seems imaginary or feeble in the present day?
Their needs are unaddressed. What are those needs?
Needs are defined as the things you must have for a satisfactory life.
Let's categorise them into main broad sections
Physical needs - things that are essential for our bodily well-being
Emotional needs - things that make up our mental well being
Moral needs - things that ensure our spiritual well-being
Sexual needs - things that fulfill our carnal desires.
Assumed needs - artificial needs we create in modern society, say for example I wouldn't be happy without make up, without a rolls Royce car etc.
Addressing our needs in a healthy way is important for sound relationship. It's absolutely ridiculous to say, people don't have any needs in a relationship. Even in spiritual life, disciple approach a guru to serve their purpose. Guru is/should be selfless.
Especially, in a marital relationship people have to taught how to voice up their needs without offending significant other. May be let's make list of 10 offenses in marriage in our next article.
Traditionally, woman are trained up in such way they are one's who will fulfill everyone's needs. A woman shouldn't have a need. Need for career, independence, financial sustenance and/or morally degrading for a woman to be vocal to sexual needs. Woman are considered as embodiment of selflessness, sacrifice or contentment. It is stated that a girl should serve her husband just as disciples serve their guru in the asrama, which means with reverence and without personal desire. Even gaining knowledge shouldn't be a concern in a guru disciple relationship. If a guru is satisfied with service and character of disciples, knowledge will flow automatically like a mountain spring.
Problem with modern unit is people don't want to be disciplined, they want to be liberal. One who forgoes pain of discipline must suffer the pain of regret later. We need find novel ways to inject spirituality into dull brains.
I saw a interview of woman addressing her sexual needs publicly instead of discussing it one's spouse. That's certainly uncultured and unchaste. Anyway who cares!! We are independent nations, morally uncensored.
Talk your needs issues and concern with your spouse or prospective partner. Third party dealings will never work other than creating misunderstandings. When I say Third party it also employs using mobile phone, another person, in a group, marriage counselling or any interface.
In order to be vocal with addressing your needs, you need to create a comfort level with your husband or wife. It's called safe place. "Being there for each other and being able to lean on each other when needed, without either of you having to give up or suppress who you are in order to keep the relationship." It's from karmi site, by this I mean I don't agree with everything they say but we can draw a common line. It goes like how to be your partner's safe place. It's unhealthy in a relationship (I don't mean dating pool) when your partner chooses to address their needs with somebody else other than you.
Tips to create trusted environment for your spouse to open up or cultivate healthy relationships.
1, giving time, space and freedom- personal space
Don't rush your husband or wife to tell you everything from their world. Personal space is important in a healthy relationship, don't imagine that they should shut their entire world and be part of yours. Give them time, space and freedom to open up. Otherwise you might sound needy. It might take few months to years to settle to new world. Give them ample time and space to accommodate to your world.
2, healthy effective communication
Using proper words, key words and avoid using bad words or offensive or negative phrases. Don't get comfortable to be disrespectful. Many people think they are comfortable enough to disrespectful to each other but its incorrect. Especially during heated arguments or addressing a issue or concern. Be mindful of what you speak, and remember what you say consciously affect another’s mind. Stay kind, positive and polite!
3, unbiased or non judgemental behaviour
Don't jump into conclusions without understanding the whole situation. Be open to listen their reality. Don't assume people are like this or that.
4, spending lots of time together away from friends and family. Or sneak out some time away from commitments, skip a few parties or festivals
It's okay to skip few commitments to spend time with your beloved, we can't be all giving. Often, people just get caught away with so many responsibilities they forget spend quality time with each other.
5, understanding and care
Understanding their needs, and fulfilling the partners needs is important, but don't overdo. Initially people just outpour everything and them become empty. Care for needs. Understand you can't fulfill all needs of your partner. For example, your husband must need to spend time in gym or hiking etc. Or alone time with his friends, care for his need. That we can't fulfill. Similarly, a wife needs some alone time with their interests like shopping, or parents or friends that you can't replace. Caring and understanding their needs solves 50% of the problem.
anyeṣv artha-kṛtā maitrī
yāvad-artha-viḍambanam
pumbhiḥ strīṣu kṛtā yadvat
sumanaḥsv iva ṣaṭpadaiḥ (Srimad Bhagavatam 10.47.6)
Krtartha : that which has served its purpose (objective)
is being shuffled here in gopīs mad talks. They do have hidden meaning. The verse says, everyone comes together in this mortal world as friends, family, community, nation etc with their own purpose, as long as their purpose is served they stay together otherwise they break up the bonding. Harmony exists only when their needs are addressed.
In the same way, marriage is also function of an enabled society, to cater their needs.
Why the concept of marriage seems imaginary or feeble in the present day?
Their needs are unaddressed. What are those needs?
Needs are defined as the things you must have for a satisfactory life.
Let's categorise them into main broad sections
Physical needs - things that are essential for our bodily well-being
Emotional needs - things that make up our mental well being
Moral needs - things that ensure our spiritual well-being
Sexual needs - things that fulfill our carnal desires.
Assumed needs - artificial needs we create in modern society, say for example I wouldn't be happy without make up, without a rolls Royce car etc.
Addressing our needs in a healthy way is important for sound relationship. It's absolutely ridiculous to say, people don't have any needs in a relationship. Even in spiritual life, disciple approach a guru to serve their purpose. Guru is/should be selfless.
Especially, in a marital relationship people have to taught how to voice up their needs without offending significant other. May be let's make list of 10 offenses in marriage in our next article.
Traditionally, woman are trained up in such way they are one's who will fulfill everyone's needs. A woman shouldn't have a need. Need for career, independence, financial sustenance and/or morally degrading for a woman to be vocal to sexual needs. Woman are considered as embodiment of selflessness, sacrifice or contentment. It is stated that a girl should serve her husband just as disciples serve their guru in the asrama, which means with reverence and without personal desire. Even gaining knowledge shouldn't be a concern in a guru disciple relationship. If a guru is satisfied with service and character of disciples, knowledge will flow automatically like a mountain spring.
Problem with modern unit is people don't want to be disciplined, they want to be liberal. One who forgoes pain of discipline must suffer the pain of regret later. We need find novel ways to inject spirituality into dull brains.
I saw a interview of woman addressing her sexual needs publicly instead of discussing it one's spouse. That's certainly uncultured and unchaste. Anyway who cares!! We are independent nations, morally uncensored.
Talk your needs issues and concern with your spouse or prospective partner. Third party dealings will never work other than creating misunderstandings. When I say Third party it also employs using mobile phone, another person, in a group, marriage counselling or any interface.
In order to be vocal with addressing your needs, you need to create a comfort level with your husband or wife. It's called safe place. "Being there for each other and being able to lean on each other when needed, without either of you having to give up or suppress who you are in order to keep the relationship." It's from karmi site, by this I mean I don't agree with everything they say but we can draw a common line. It goes like how to be your partner's safe place. It's unhealthy in a relationship (I don't mean dating pool) when your partner chooses to address their needs with somebody else other than you.
Tips to create trusted environment for your spouse to open up or cultivate healthy relationships.
1, giving time, space and freedom- personal space
Don't rush your husband or wife to tell you everything from their world. Personal space is important in a healthy relationship, don't imagine that they should shut their entire world and be part of yours. Give them time, space and freedom to open up. Otherwise you might sound needy. It might take few months to years to settle to new world. Give them ample time and space to accommodate to your world.
2, healthy effective communication
Using proper words, key words and avoid using bad words or offensive or negative phrases. Don't get comfortable to be disrespectful. Many people think they are comfortable enough to disrespectful to each other but its incorrect. Especially during heated arguments or addressing a issue or concern. Be mindful of what you speak, and remember what you say consciously affect another’s mind. Stay kind, positive and polite!
3, unbiased or non judgemental behaviour
Don't jump into conclusions without understanding the whole situation. Be open to listen their reality. Don't assume people are like this or that.
4, spending lots of time together away from friends and family. Or sneak out some time away from commitments, skip a few parties or festivals
It's okay to skip few commitments to spend time with your beloved, we can't be all giving. Often, people just get caught away with so many responsibilities they forget spend quality time with each other.
5, understanding and care
Understanding their needs, and fulfilling the partners needs is important, but don't overdo. Initially people just outpour everything and them become empty. Care for needs. Understand you can't fulfill all needs of your partner. For example, your husband must need to spend time in gym or hiking etc. Or alone time with his friends, care for his need. That we can't fulfill. Similarly, a wife needs some alone time with their interests like shopping, or parents or friends that you can't replace. Caring and understanding their needs solves 50% of the problem.
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